Have been asked by Beth's piano teacher whether we want her to sit the AMEB Grade 2 this year.

It's 4 months to year-end, Nov is the latest available slot and NONE of Miss B's exam pieces are in a state to be presented to the examiner.

If I say she's not ready and put this off to 2012, I'll feel like I'm letting her off easy. She has been fighting to take piano and AMEB off her to-do list, and we've been resisting because we believe music is a non-negotiable part of her learning journey.

If I say she'll be ready, it will have to be because Miss B herself agrees to commit to put in the hours and takes ownership of the process of getting from half-baked to perfectly polished.

The carrot we've offered is a holiday at RACV Royal Pines Resort in Jan, because that's her big ask.

And we've explained that a big ask has to be earned by a big effort, which means a great attitude, consistent practice and an A+ for the exam.

Miss B has said yes to all the conditions, but is having difficulty chunking it down to the daily one-hour practice.

Soldier on, we must. For the sake of the character that is being formed and the virtues that are being developed.

How do I motivate my child to practise the piano?

The daily tug-of-war - nagging, threats, yelling, emotional blackmail, coloured by the occasional flash of musical brilliance, but marked mostly by defiance, procrastination and painfully bad playing - is exhausting.

If not for her, then certainly for me.

I sometimes wonder if she would not be better off having a year off AMEB.

But then my logical mind protests:
"She'll be one year behind her peers!"
"She'll lose momentum and not want to learn piano anymore!"
"How will she be on track to get a music scholarship by Year 6 if she eventually decides she loves music?"

Tonight, Miss B was in a malleable mood.

So I asked her to rate her own effort as she played Minuet in G.

Each time, she gave herself a higher score than before. 6, then 7.5, then 9.75.

"How much more before you give yourself a ten?"

"Just this much more." She made her thumb and index finger into a circle.

Just for fun, I said "Why don't you try playing with your toes?"

You should have seen the gleam in her eyes, and the way her mouth tilted upwards.

She loves quirky challenges, you see.

And immediately she started playing Minuet with her right foot.

Competitive Mums

As an incentive to getting their times tables right, Beth's class teacher has been giving out MTKs (Multiplication Table Kits).

Once a student is able to recite the entire times tables by heart in front of the class, he/she gets the MTK.

It is considered a milestone as here in Australia there is less of a pressure on students to perform and to achieve to a set standard. (Singaporeans will know what I mean.)

In Beth's class, an unusual situation has developed.

She is in a 2/3 composite class, with half the class made up of Grade 2s. Many of them were hand-picked for their ability to learn independently and think laterally. In other words, they're smarter than the average Grade 2. They read at the same level as the best Grade 3s in the class and are eager to follow in their footsteps.

Among them are 4 or 5 Grade 2s who are so good at math they received their MTKs right after T did. T is a Grade 3 boy who has consistently done well in math since he and Beth were in prep together.

I know several of the mums of these promising Grade 2s. Both are Asian. (Think "tiger mother".)

One of them expressed surprise one day when I corrected her assumption that Beth had already received her MTK. She was obviously pleased that her son, who is a year younger, had outdone Beth in math and music. She has never attempted to hide the fact that her son considers Beth an academic rival and uses her as a benchmark of his progress.

In the same breath that she mentioned her son was inviting Beth and T to his birthday party, she said he had specially chosen them because they are his "competitors".

I laughed then.

But reflecting on the remark and the values and beliefs beneath them, I also feel a tinge of sadness.

Because while academic striving is a good thing (and trust me, I know all about this), life is so much more than our grades and our ability to achieve milestones ahead of our peers.

Topping the class is a great feeling, but it's not the most important thing about school.

Ultimately, most of the class will get 'there'. Some of us just have a talent for getting there quicker. To my recollection, no employer has asked me "So how old were you when you mastered your times tables?"

I have always encouraged Beth to do well at school, at her Chinese lessons and her music practice. Sometimes, I fear I push her too hard. So lately, I have tried to counterbalance this by scaling back on my expectations of her AMEB piano, and to not make a fuss if she chooses to practise just 2 pieces instead of all her pieces and scales,or if she practises for 15 minutes instead of 30. Instead, I tell myself it's good that she at least put in some effort to practise.

As a Singaporean parent, I have definitely regressed in my standards.

It is only this year, being faced with mums who clearly have similarly high expectations of their progeny, that I have come to appreciate the double-edged nature of academic competitiveness.

I ask myself if I want Beth to pay the price I did as a student.

So I feel compelled to take a stand against mindless, at-all-costs striving where there is no time to take a breather, no space to celebrate and marvel in your persistence, hard work and achievement, no opportunity to take stock, no time to have fun.

I'm against the relentless forging ahead, the constant dissatisfaction with your laurels, where one is driven not by the desire to live fully to one's potential but by fear that one may 'fall behind' if one fails to 'keep up'.

Even though it feels like I am betraying my tribe and my upbringing, and even though I have no clear idea yet how I will do this, I choose what I hope is an alternative path - a better way - for my children. One that comfortably integrates academic excellence with excellence in all areas of life: health, wealth, relationships, career, spirituality, contribution, self-expression, creativity.

Beth made a startlingly self-aware statement tonight.

"I admit (pause) my music needs work."

She proceeded to the keyboard to warm up, playing some random tunes.

Then she quickly went through her Solfege and Repertoire pieces, spending the most time polishing Comical Train, the ensemble piece the class is performing for the annual concert.

And that was it.

She was off to watch bits of Sinbad with Daddy and to do a bit more of her school assignment: writing about the national anthems of different countries.

I have consciously decided to hold back on the nagging and guilt trips and threats. While I cannot understand how my child can be so laid back and not want to excel at her music, I realize also that she is different from me and what worked on me (nagging, guilt trips, threats) won't work on her.

As they say, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Perhaps as she matures, she will come to realize that excellence requires doing the hours and applying oneself consistently.

For now, I choose to close one eye and be contented with the fact that she is doing well at school and in her Chinese lessons.

Music for pleasure

Life has been more pleasant since I let go of the reins of supervision and involved hubby in Beth's keyboard practice.

Now he takes her to Sat morning class while I go for my dance class.

When she practises, he calls out encouraging comments from the couch.

He doesn't tell her how to play, unless it's something explicit the teacher has recorded in the notebook.

I've taken a leaf from hubby and scaled back drastically in my tendency to nag and criticize and to never be satisfied with anything less than perfection.

The result: practices are less tearful for Beth and less stressful for me.

I love seeing her take more initiative in how she practises, like when she explains why she is playing a certain way and what she hopes to achieve.

With her AMEB piano, I still take a more active approach, playing duets alongside her and setting high goals. It's very frustrating having to 'lower' myself to her level and watch her struggle with her sightreading and neglect her scales, or when she can't 'get' a particular rhythm.

Now and then I ask myself if I'm making her do AMEB for her or for me.

Am I putting her through the hard yards simply because I had to do them when I was her age and it's the done thing?

But it's been worth working at a more balanced approach to parental involvement.

And I have my dance teacher to thank. Because she changed the session time from 12.30 pm to 11.30 am, I have an 'excuse' to let hubby be the one to take Beth to Yamaha.

Kumon: Student and Parent Requirements

Holding back on the Heathdale vs Good News decision

After what happened on Thu night, hubby and I are leaning towards the idea that it might be better to let Beth continue at Heathdale. She seems to be doing so well, has developed a little circle of good friends, and Heathdale does seem to be catering to her academic bent. It would be a bit of a shame to tear her away.

Pity about the fees. It's the biggest push factor.

Over the hump

We've achieved a major breakthrough.

After the school tour yesterday, a serious discussion before bedtime and again this morning, Beth has not only agreed to transfer to Good News Lutheran (if accepted), she even suggested transferring in Term 3 2011 instead of Term 2, so she would be able to complete the Naplan test under the auspices of Heathdale.

She even joked about having two different uniforms within one year.

Thank you God. Only You could have worked such a miracle of acceptance and openness in Beth's heart.

How to get a distracted, disinterested child to practise for a piano exam

Have discovered that the best strategy for getting Beth to practise is to catch her in a good mood, keep her that way with lots of positive strokes and humour (no matter how quirky or silly), and have short intensive bursts (such as during commercials for X Factor) rather than long sessions (anything more than 15 min straight) at the keyboard.

It's taken a long time to refine the strategy down to these terms.

The exam's in four days, but as they say, better late than never.

I'm gonna restrain myself from any negativity between now and Friday and just encourage her to offer her best.

She went for her second Solo Festival at Yamaha yesterday. I was so relieved that her performance went pretty well, considering how she's been temperamentally. She definitely redeemed herself after the disastrous rendition of Menuett by Mozart three months ago.

Do all parents go through the same trials?

Chatted with my favourite school mum yesterday. Her daughter is Beth's best friend.

A quick discussion about play dates (which we've been trying forever to set up) led to an opportunity for me to find out if I'm the only one with a fractious 8 yo.

Turns out I'm not alone.

My friend, whose daughter is confident, well-rounded, bright and sporty and well-liked by everyone, confided that just the other day, her daughter was screaming and carrying on in the car on the way to school.

She was unhappy at having been told off by her mum, and yelled out something like, "If you keep doing this, I'm never talking to you when I grow up!"

At which point my friend said enough's enough, and told her to exit the car and make her own way to school.

I was so relieved to hear this story and so glad my friend shared it.

I have so many days where I'm gnawed with guilt, thinking: I'm not a good-enough mum. Why do I lose my temper with my kids? Where have I gone wrong? What am I missing? Why are my children so badly behaved sometimes?

But maybe this is just life.

My kids are of me but not me. They can - and do - choose whether to do good or do evil.

My job is not to micromanage but to teach them to take responsibility for their own choices and actions, to understand that with every choice comes a consequence.

Also, there will be good days and bad days in every family.

When the bad days come, I must remember to be RESILIENT and STAY SANE through it all, without compromising my morals or saying or doing something I might later regret.

When the good days come, I must remember to GIVE THANKS and BE GRATEFUL. It could be worse.

Because this - good or bad day - too shall pass.

Morning Dramas

Beth has been pretty good the past few days, except for her usual can't-get-up-for-school nonsense.

She managed to practise the keyboard last night without my help. I was hovering in the bedroom, unsure of whether I should go out and see if she was practising correctly, yet half afraid to hear a shout for help from the lounge.

As someone said, when she is good, she is very very good. When she is bad, she is HORRID.

This morning, it was the little one's turn to act up.

"I want two ponytails!" ("We have no time for this!")

"I want to wear a dress to school!" ("No one wears a dress to daycare. You'll get it all dirty when you play outside. You're supposed to wear play clothes.")

No amount of reasoning works when you have an irate preschooler on your hands. You just have to deafen yourself to the screaming and the tears and find a way through the middle.

"Stop crying!" I yelled.

"I can't stop crying," she sobbed.

In the end, we compromised. She got her two ponytails and she gets to wear her dress tomorrow when she's home with Mummy. And we all got to school on time.

Oh the greys they give me...

Sleep Problems

Every family has its own issues.

Ours is that our girls refuse to sleep in their own room. The beautiful lavender bunk bed has become an expensive toy.

Every night, the four of us have to find new ways to configure ourselves so we can comfortably fit into our QS bed.

The 8 yo says she will if her sister will sleep with her.

The 3 yo says she needs to be with her family i.e. mummy and daddy.

Last night, hubby gave up and opted to be first under the covers.

When I moved to snuggle up to him, J objected.

"I want you to sleep HERE!" she screamed, pointing at the far corner of the bed. She wanted to be the one in the middle.

Big Sister came to the rescue.

"Mei mei, listen to me. You are not making sense. Daddy and Mummy are husband and wife and husbands and wives sleep together."

There was some other stuff she said which I've forgotten.

I was just so tickled by the irony of her giving her sis a solemn lecture while still insisting on sleeping with us.

To be fair, she did make an attempt to move to the mattress on the floor - "Ah! How nice! So much room!" - but it didn't last long and soon it was four-in-the-bed again.

The Terrible 8's

Maggie Alderson's article You Can't Take It As Read in last weekend's GW was HILARIOUS.

Our children are of us - but they are not us. They are entirely separate beings. My daughter is 8 years old now and I'm still trying to get a handle on this.

She might have been referencing Khalil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

http://www.katsandogz.com/onchildren.html

After all the travails with Beth over recent months, I finally feel vindicated.

It's not my fault - it's cos she's 8!

The Reading Box Drama

May be on my way to first confrontation with Beth's teacher.

Apparently, for reading comprehension, the class rule is that all students have to work their way through all 10 books in the Sunset Reading Box before moving on to the next level, the Red Box.

Beth came home in tears yesterday because a classmate was allowed to skip to Red after achieving 3 18's (full marks), whereas she herself had notched up 4 18's but was required to work through all 10 books.

My tendency is to avoid conflict wherever possible. I can't do the 做坏人 routine.

I offered various possible explanations: the teacher felt the classmate had an advanced level of comprehension and it would be a waste of time to hold her back? The teacher felt Beth needed to work more at her comprehension?

Of course, I realized none of these explanations were particularly comforting to my competitive child. She likes being top of the heap and doesn't take kindly to suggestions that at Grade 2, it's only natural that her classmates will catch up to her and even surpass her in their academic achievement.

So I said if her teacher's explanation for her actions matters so much to her, I'll email her teacher to clarify.

In all fairness, Beth is rarely upset by what happens at school so this is new to me.

I mentioned it to hubby last night and right away, he said something forceful and aggressive which does not bear repeating; never knew he could be so protective of our kids. He agreed with Beth's perception of the unfairness of her treatment, so I've just sent off an email - couched as courteously and non-accusingly as possible - and we'll see what her teacher says.

Parental Failure

I feel so disappointed and helpless when Beth gets into one of her intractable moods and won't do as she is supposed to.

We just got into another fight this evening and I had to send her to the corner, which was all I could think to do. I was SO ANGRY. First she wouldn't do her Chinese homework. Then she practised Rock n Roll once, but refused to work on the tricky introduction, which she missed learning in class because she was ill last weekend.

Last week she threw a tanty in the changing room of the local pool. Right in front of a friend and her 6 yo daughter. The friend looked bemusedly at Beth carrying on about her pants getting wet, while I muttered threats under my breath, then gave up and sat and rolled my eyes as Beth displayed her worst self. What else could I do - scream at her in front of the dozens of other parents and children?

I said I was not re-enrolling her for Term 3.

The older she gets, the harder it is to make her see the practical consequences of her poor learning attitude. If she continues like this, I don't know what will become of her. She is already achieving below potential because she only wants to do what she wants to do (i.e. READ). She lacks that steady consistency and motivation, that inner drive to excel that Emily and Joshua J have displayed in music and academics. When I hear how well they are doing, I feel embarrassed that Beth is so lackadaisical. She has the smarts but she won't work for it.

This is NOT how a Singaporean child should be!

I wish some expert could advise me how to handle this child. Are personalities carved in stone? Will she always be this way? What will I do when she becomes a teen? What is wrong with her? Why does she act this way? She's setting such a bad example for J, and I don't wish to see J lose her innocence and starting acting up like her big sister. One brat is bad enough!

Postscript:
Despite being told that she will not get to go to Keely's for a play date, and that she will have to account to her dad when he comes home, Beth has taken the easy way out - and gone to sleep on the couch!
What will I do with this child???

Satiating the Maternal Guilt

I have finally got round to fixing the "broken windows" in my children's ever-expanding list of physical needs.

Today, I bought Beth a pair of size 11 trainers from BigW. They aren't the most expensive ($25) or the best quality, but they will have to do. Kids wear out clothes and shoes so quickly there's no point in spending too much. I'm relieved she can finally ditch the white pair she's been wearing uncomplainingly to PE and Sports. They're so clearly falling apart at the seams that I'm not even going to offer them to the Op Shop.

An observation about trainers: it's funny how size 11 in one brand can be different from size 11 in another.

About 6 months ago, I decided to upsize Beth from the said size 10's and, blithely assuming the next size up was an 11, that was what I bought. Till now, she has not been able to fit into them; when she breaks into a run, one shoe flies off. She has had some embarrassing moments at Sports with the shoes, but like a good soldier, she's just taken it in her stride.

Here's the thing. The size 11 I bought her today is just a little bigger than her current pair and smaller than the too-big size 11's. I brought both old pairs of shoes along to be sure I got the sizing right, that's how I know. Third time lucky?

I also stopped by at Best & Less and found these size 2 trakkies for J. The poor thing has been wearing her size 1's forever even though she is 3. It took someone else to observe that her pants are mid-shin (hubby actually) to jolt me out of my denial of reality.

The strange thing about size 2 is, they're so hard to find. I don't know if it's only B&L that hides their size 2 clothing in obscure places, but it took me about 15 min to finally locate them. The size 3+ were prominently displayed at eye level, and baby sizes are the easiest thing to spot, but anything over size 1 was in the bottom rack in the middle of a huge selection of baby-plus sized clothing, partly crowded out by the rows of clothing above. Weird.

Last week, I found J a pair of size 7 joggers to replace her tatty white pair. She still wants to wear the white pair to daycare, bless her. But we agreed that on weekends and outings, she will wear her nice new pink pair. Just so Mummy doesn't feel other mums are staring at my kid and feeling sorry that she is so neglected!

The Good and Bad of School Hols

The school hols are upon me.

Yay to sleep-ins, lazy days with the kids, and no need to worry about what to pack for school lunches.

Nay to having the kids around me all day long, fighting with each other and driving me nuts with their endless need for interaction and entertainment.

This year, we are doing things a little bit differently.

First, we're not going away. That'll take some of the $ pressure off while I build my organics business.

Second, we're setting GOALS. For Beth especially.

My big goal for J is simple: getting her 100% off training pants by June. Shouldn't be too hard as she's already 90% there with her timing accuracy.

With Beth, I'm finding that she needs specific, measurable, achievable etc etc things to aim towards.

She's a bright girl with lots of potential. But we do need to work on her resilience, her attitude and her temperament.

So I've started listing some things for her to focus on in the new year.

Simple things like school awards, Principal's Reading Challenge, VIC Premier's Reading Challenge, knowing her times table by heart up to 12x12, playing through Books 1 to 4 of her Yamaha JMC in different keys...

Next year, she wants to take up gymnastics @ Gym Monkeys, which is run by one of the school mums (Zoe's mum Sue), self-defence and keep up with swim lessons, which she loves. She's doing really well under her swim instructor David who's from China. He is very firm with the frisky kids and very encouraging towards kids who display a positive learning attitude (like Beth and her pal Catherine, also from China).

We've also agreed on breaking up the hols with play dates, day trips and excursions to places that interest Beth, like Melbourne Museum/IMAX, Eureka Tower ... Beth has the list in her brown notebook.

Tomorrow is Bedtime Story Day/Dress-up Day, and Beth is going as Susan the Archer (Chronicles of Narnia). I got her a green T-shirt, green netball skirt, and Mandy kindly lent us a plastic bow and quiver of arrows and a lovely maroon velvet cape that can be tied around the neck. The Grade Ones get an icy pole at lunch as a special treat, and an afternoon snack while they watch a DVD.

CA and I often jest that we pay more school fees ($5k a year) and get less actual study (by Sg standards).

Living With A Temperamental Child

Hubby just commented this week how much more "stable" and "easy to manage" Beth has been lately.

Lest this makes my firstborn sound as if she were an out-of-control brat, let me hasten to add that she just happens to be a highly sensitive child with a strong artistic streak. She lives a rich life in her mind. She loves books, she loves drawing, she loves making things. She just doesn't necessarily want to share it with other people, so she can sometimes appear unsociable.

When she's not in the mood for company, she refuses to say hello or look people in the eye.

For an Asian parent accustomed to showing respect to one's elders, this can be particularly mortifying. I feel as if I have to constantly defend and apologize for her erratic behavior.

But Beth has her good days when she responds well to encouragement, hugs, and space. On Sunday, she shone at our church Give It A Go community concert, when she sang a solo for our family item.

I am learning to accept that she is the way she is, to go along with those things she responds positively to, and not to blame her or my parenting skills for every seeming departure from behavioral norms.

Raising Your Child's Financial IQ

I am listening to the audio CD of Robert Kiyosaki and Sharon Lechter's 'Raising Your Child's Financial IQ', which came in the package with the Cashflow for Kids board game that I bought recently.

I agree with most of what they say.

Our kids aren't learning an important life skill that they need to master before they leave school: financial literacy.

That's why I bought the game, so CA, I and the girls can learn basic financial concepts in a fun way that also promotes family bonding.

I was brought up in a Poor Dad environment ("Study hard, get a good job, work hard for the rest of your life..") and I am aware of the limitations I am potentially placing on my children's future if I do not take up the challenge of acquiring financial literacy - and teach them to do so.

I have to:

• get away from "I can't afford it" thinking,
• teach my girls about income, expenses, assets and liabilities,
• teach my girls the Cashflow Quadrant and the implications of being in each quadrant,
• impress on my girls the difference between rich and poor people (the rich make money first and buy luxuries last),
• get away from the dependence on job security and earned income,
• learn the different ways of making money: earned income, passive income, portfolio income and why we shouldn't stop at earned income,
  
• help my children understand that IQ is not the only life skill that matters in life. There are many other intelligences (at least 8, according to the CD) and one of the most important ones to cultivate is Financial IQ, because when you have learnt to master money and make it work for you, it frees you to have more choices. This includes giving to charitable causes and working in a low-paying job because you love what you do and aren't depending on it for your income.
  

Toddler Battles

What is it with toddlers??

Every morning I face the same battle with J.

She wakes up whinging and wants me to hold her. I have my eye on the clock as I frantically try to wake Beth, who always has a lie-in till the last possible moment.

Meanwhile, J won't let me dress her or change her diaper.

When it's time to go, she won't put on her socks.

I say "No Socks No Play" and she yells back, "Noooo!"

She refuses to wear a jacket, however cold it may be.

I'm lucky if I get her to wear a second T-shirt or her cute red vest with the picture of the lion on it.

Every evening at bath time, she fights with me.

Won't go under the shower.

Won't let me soap her. She wants to do it herself, but she takes FOREVER.

Won't let me rinse off the shampoo and soap.

When my patience runs out, I grab her and plunge her under the shower (it's not as bad as it sounds) so get the lather off.

How she screams and yells and tries to flee the shower area!

The neighbours must think I abuse my kids or else that I'm hopeless incompetent at managing them.

Now I let hubby take over at bath time.

He is so much more patient and willing to humour them.

I praise J lavishly when she comes to tell me she has bathed.

It's easier to play the good guy.