Competitive Mums

As an incentive to getting their times tables right, Beth's class teacher has been giving out MTKs (Multiplication Table Kits).

Once a student is able to recite the entire times tables by heart in front of the class, he/she gets the MTK.

It is considered a milestone as here in Australia there is less of a pressure on students to perform and to achieve to a set standard. (Singaporeans will know what I mean.)

In Beth's class, an unusual situation has developed.

She is in a 2/3 composite class, with half the class made up of Grade 2s. Many of them were hand-picked for their ability to learn independently and think laterally. In other words, they're smarter than the average Grade 2. They read at the same level as the best Grade 3s in the class and are eager to follow in their footsteps.

Among them are 4 or 5 Grade 2s who are so good at math they received their MTKs right after T did. T is a Grade 3 boy who has consistently done well in math since he and Beth were in prep together.

I know several of the mums of these promising Grade 2s. Both are Asian. (Think "tiger mother".)

One of them expressed surprise one day when I corrected her assumption that Beth had already received her MTK. She was obviously pleased that her son, who is a year younger, had outdone Beth in math and music. She has never attempted to hide the fact that her son considers Beth an academic rival and uses her as a benchmark of his progress.

In the same breath that she mentioned her son was inviting Beth and T to his birthday party, she said he had specially chosen them because they are his "competitors".

I laughed then.

But reflecting on the remark and the values and beliefs beneath them, I also feel a tinge of sadness.

Because while academic striving is a good thing (and trust me, I know all about this), life is so much more than our grades and our ability to achieve milestones ahead of our peers.

Topping the class is a great feeling, but it's not the most important thing about school.

Ultimately, most of the class will get 'there'. Some of us just have a talent for getting there quicker. To my recollection, no employer has asked me "So how old were you when you mastered your times tables?"

I have always encouraged Beth to do well at school, at her Chinese lessons and her music practice. Sometimes, I fear I push her too hard. So lately, I have tried to counterbalance this by scaling back on my expectations of her AMEB piano, and to not make a fuss if she chooses to practise just 2 pieces instead of all her pieces and scales,or if she practises for 15 minutes instead of 30. Instead, I tell myself it's good that she at least put in some effort to practise.

As a Singaporean parent, I have definitely regressed in my standards.

It is only this year, being faced with mums who clearly have similarly high expectations of their progeny, that I have come to appreciate the double-edged nature of academic competitiveness.

I ask myself if I want Beth to pay the price I did as a student.

So I feel compelled to take a stand against mindless, at-all-costs striving where there is no time to take a breather, no space to celebrate and marvel in your persistence, hard work and achievement, no opportunity to take stock, no time to have fun.

I'm against the relentless forging ahead, the constant dissatisfaction with your laurels, where one is driven not by the desire to live fully to one's potential but by fear that one may 'fall behind' if one fails to 'keep up'.

Even though it feels like I am betraying my tribe and my upbringing, and even though I have no clear idea yet how I will do this, I choose what I hope is an alternative path - a better way - for my children. One that comfortably integrates academic excellence with excellence in all areas of life: health, wealth, relationships, career, spirituality, contribution, self-expression, creativity.