The Conversation

It was going to come up sooner or later.

One of those multi-layered questions you can't answer with a simple "Because", followed by an explanation that is so clear and all-encompassing there is just no other possible way of looking at it.

When a tween asks a question like this, you know a long night is ahead for both of you.

"The OT says homosexuality is a sin. But where in the NT does Jesus condemn homosexuality? Doesn't Jesus' coming, death and resurrection mean we are free from the laws of the OT? Can someone be born homosexual?"

Without going too much into content, I want to share what I found really helpful when tackling issues to which there is no simple solution. Not just for parents, but for anyone who finds themselves in a potentially awkward situation where the questions are big and the values and beliefs at stake, even bigger.

• Listen to understand, not to judge. 
• How many times have I been guilty of jumping in to share my own opinion or experience before someone has fully expressed their thoughts, because I thought I "knew" what they needed to hear. It's like how when one kid is reading aloud in a group, the kid to his left might jump in to "help" him with a word he is struggling to enunciate. Teachers discourage this kind of "help" because it may hinder the child's ability to grow. Likewise, I am reminded to keep my biases and beliefs to myself until an appropriate time, to stay open and respectful, and to just listen.
• "In matters of style, swim with the current. In matters of principle, stand like a rock." - Thomas Jefferson
• I need to be clear what it is we are debating before I allow myself to get caught up. Is this a matter of style, culture, trend, unique to a particular society? Or is something more fundamental and universal - like greed, hatred, love, honesty and truth - at stake? Not every issue has to turn into a battleground of wills. I am learning to pick my battles and make them count.
• Value the person more than their current position.
• Here's a tough one, and I was very much guided by my heart in this. In the midst of a long and very exhausting discussion that broke out into a heated argument on certain points, I said to my tween, with tears in my eyes: "Before you go any further, I just want to make one thing clear. Whatever you decide to do in the future, if one day you come to me and say, "Mum, I think I'm gay," I will point you to the Bible to remind you of the Truth, but I will not abandon you or kick you out or hate you just because of that. You are my daughter and I will always love you." There was the tiniest of pauses as she processed this, then, with a tear in her eye, she said thank you. And we hugged. To reinforce the impact of what I'd just said, I asked how she would deal with it if one of her friends came to her and confessed that they were gay. She said she would tell them, "Based on what the Bible says, what you're doing is wrong and I don't agree with your lifestyle. But you're still my friend." She uttered that last line with great intent and solemnity, and I believe she will remember it if ever she has occasion to use it. I hugged her and told her I'm very proud of her. 
• Which leads to my fourth point...However tough an exterior a young person puts up, underneath they are as human and vulnerable and in need of unconditional love and acceptance as anyone. I am learning not to be fooled by my tween's occasional I-don't-need-anyone outbursts. They are not all she is. I will set boundaries and insist on respect and mutual tolerance, but I won't judge her by only those moments when she shows her worst self. There is so much more to her that I don't know about, that I only catch glimpses of in her rare open moments and through comments from her friends and teachers. Plus, I think back to my teenage years, and I am instantly humbled. I wasn't always mature, sensible, self-directed or able to get along with people either. So if she's my child, well guess where that came from.